Must I bore you with the details?

For starters, I am one of the biggest pessimists you’ll ever know. But in reality, you wouldn’t know. I try to keep all my negative comments to myself. But of course, they slip out sometimes. When I’m nervous or scared I use sarcasm as a defense. This really pushes people away and leads them to classifying me as a Grade A jerk. There are many things I dislike about myself. To tell you the truth, there’s not much I like about me. Sad, right? Everyone almost always tells me I’m funny and sweet. Oh and I’m always told that I look like a big baby because I have a little kid face. The life I have is great and nothing about it is wrong. But there are times when I’m very unhappy. Most of the the time, I lie to myself and blame it on someone or something. But truth is, I’m tired of me. Tired of my lazy shit ways, tired of always quitting, tired of my pessimism, tired and tired. BUT do I do anything about it? NO. WHY? Because I’m fucking stupid, that’s why. I guess its about time I change that.

I’m really a mushy lovey corny kind of guy but I try and hide those feelings so I wont end up getting hurt. Especially when it comes to friends. I’m really stupid with those. I get close to a person and I always start thinking of the future. I think 5 years ahead and picture us having lunch and chatting like friends do on TV. Then the friendship just disappears into thin air and I feel like the dumbest person on earth for ever thinking I’d have a friend for that long. I must sound so stupid, ugh.

I hope you don’t think I’m some emo kid now, because I’m not. Like I said before, people always tell me I’m sweet and kind. I don’t bite. But if I seem distant its because I’m scared. If we talk and I stopped talking to you, its because I’m afraid to ruin it.

But of course, that’s life and I have to get through it. I just want to find inner peace. But why am I so sure I’ll never have it?

∞